After a month with no "nibbles" at the endless stream of resumes I send out it is understandable that I'm getting a little edgy. Those closest to me claim I may be depressed. I thought depression was a label for people who are sad and blue without any concrete basis for that feeling of despondency. I have a lot of reasons to be depressed. Why should I deprive myself of something I deserve?

The following is a list of "symptoms" of depression from http://web.archive.org/web/20021209005829/http://healthtip.ucdavis.edu/rtsod.html.

Persistent, sad, anxious or "empty" mood

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex

Restlessness, irritability or excessive crying

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism

Sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening

Appetite and/or weight gain Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"

Thoughts of death or suicide attempts

Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain

Yeah, well I still don't think being depressed is all that bad. Since I don't want anyone to worry needlessly let the following reassure you.

PERSISTENT, SAD, ANXIOUS OR "EMPTY" MOOD Look, people who are happy all the time annoy me. What the hell is wrong with them? Maybe all the happy people in the world are stupid. There are advantages to facing the world with a sullen frown on your face. People taking surveys at the mall avoid me. Little girls collecting money for their cheerleading squads don't ask me for my change at the grocery store. And clerks don't tell me to have a nice day, they figure my day is shot already. If you play your cards right and don't wear a bra, don't comb your hair and make sure whatever you are wearing is stained with spaghetti sauce, no one stands in your way.

LOSS OF INTEREST OR PLEASURE IN ACTIVITIES, INCLUDING SEX I have interests. They've just changed. I'm interested in knowing which of my three kids threw that piece of spaghetti on the dining room ceiling. I spend many pleasurable hours staring upward at it waiting for it to fall down. Whichever one it is I must compliment them. The pasta had achieved that perfect state of "al dente" just before it becomes too soft. Worked just like glue. Good job.

RESTLESSNESS, IRRITABILITY OR EXCESSIVE CRYING This is called PMS. Why is it even on the list? I've done this for years. Are you all not used to it by now?

FEELINGS OF GUILT, WORTHLESSNESS, HELPLESSNESS, HOPELESSNESS Look, if you are well prepared and have some prescription drugs left over from some minor surgery last year, you can zip right through this stage and never know you missed anything.

SLEEPING TOO MUCH OR TO LITTLE, EARLY-MORNING AWAKENING The way I figure it you WANT to be asleep when everyone else is awake. If you are plagued by phone calls by creditors, dread opening up the bills in the mail, turn the ringer off and go to bed. Stay up all night. Find something truly meaningful to do in those hours when no one else is awake. May I suggest computer solitaire? Mah-jongg?

APPETITE AND/OR WEIGHT GAIN Oh, just because I'm depressed I should deprive myself? Piss on that. I'm eating. We all know I'm not having sex with my uncombed hair, stained shirt and unshaven legs...don't tell me I can't have my Haagen-Daas, too!

THOUGHTS OF DEATH OR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS Yeah, well unless I eat myself to death that ain't gonna happen. I don't get the rental deposit back if there's stains on the carpet. I can't get my kids to stop playing video games long enough to clean out the litter box. You think someone here is going to even notice a body on the floor?

DIFFICULTY CONCENTRATING, REMEMBERING OR MAKING DECISIONS Pay attention. I'm out of work. What the hell am I concentrating on here? Stock options? My big decisions here are which stained shirt to wear today, and should I go and buy more ice cream? Two quarts may not be enough. Oh crap....I still have my slippers on. Should I go back in the house and put on my shoes? Naw. Good thinking. Saved myself five minutes right there. I got everything under control.

PERSISTENT PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS THAT DO NOT RESPOND TO TREATMENT, SUCH AS HEADACHES, DIGESTIVE DISORDERS AND CHRONIC PAIN Well, if I'm gonna be sick there's no time like now. I don't have to worry about calling off work or using up my sick leave. So, I'm okay, all right? No, I don't want to go out and have some fun. It's a barrel of laughs right here. Call before you come over so I can make a point not to comb my hair.